


Cocktail

by L122YTorch (orphan_account)



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: M/M, Mind/Mood Altering Substances, Realization, Shore Leave
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-06-03
Updated: 2014-12-16
Packaged: 2018-02-03 05:51:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,148
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1733423
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/L122YTorch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>On shore leave the captain unknowingly drinks a cocktail that has a certain…affect on him. He's not in danger. Or hurt. But everything he knows - or thinks he knows, is about to change.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

The glass was cool and slippery in Kirk’s hand. Upon seeing the neon pink drink, he immediately regretted ordering the first thing he saw on the menu. At the moment he didn’t really care about what he was consuming, just that it contained alcohol.

The fucking thing practically glowed. He swiveled the leather barstool around, turning his back to the drink that he considered sending back.

The dance floor hummed like a heartbeat on speed. Bodies congealed together in a heady mix that smelled like sweat and alcohol. It wasn’t the swankiest place, but Checkov suggested it, so here they were. 

A week on shore leave was a blessing, especially after the harrowing month that had just passed.

But Jim put those things out of his mind. Tonight was about drinking and sleeping; not flirting or mingling not dancing or interacting – just spending time in the cherished solitude of an overdue drunken stupor. 

Beneath blonde lashes turned blue by the lights, Kirk surveyed the dance floor. It looked exhausting.

Something caught his eye.

Or rather, someone.

Uhura and Spock were on the expansive gyrating platform – the latest song coming to an end. Uhura’s back was to Jim and he strained to see his first officer. But in a moment the lights hit him just right and Jim could see that his hands were on Uhura’s waist, his lips whispering something into her ear.

An odd feeling broiled in Jim’s stomach. 

As if sensing an intruding gaze, Spock abruptly brought his deep brown eyes up to meet Jim’s. Initially there was lust in the look that lingered from the interaction with Uhura. Then the gaze quickly shifted to intrigue and … perhaps annoyance at being looked in on? With a finishing sliver of realization.

All of this recognition took place in a split hair of a second and just as the occurance reached Jim’s brain, he swung back around, embarrassed. He turned around too quickly. 

Fuck, I’m so awkward, he chastised himself. 

Hastily he lifted the girly looking drink to his lips and poured it down his throat. It was cloyingly sweet and burned something fierce as it ripped it’s way to his stomach. 

Why was he so damn hot?

He’d had some Romulan ale earlier, but hardly enough to cause this familiar heat that was usually brought on right before drunkenness. 

He was embarrassed still, that’s why he was hot. And to prove it, his cheeks and neck turned a rich shade of rose. 

He hopped off the stool and walked towards the exit, not daring to turn back and look at Spock. He was grateful for the heavy crowd, because he did not sense the Vulcan’s heavy gaze on his black leather-clad back.

“Hey, where ya goin?” Leonard asked, reaching a hand out and grabbing Jim just as he was about to reach the door. He didn’t even see the doctor as he was attempting the hasty reatreat, if he had, he would have gone a different route.

“I…uh…” he started, interrupted by a sharp wave of adrenaline that flooded his system. It felt like an explosion of endorphins erupting from his stomach. He brought a hand to the area and looked at Bones.

“You okay?” his friend asked, a hand still firmly grasping his bicep. “Yeah, I’m fine,” Jim lied convincingly. 

Shit, what could he say to get out of this?

“I’m pretty wiped Bones, I’m going to beam back to the ship.”

McCoy shook his head as if he had just hallucinated. 

“What? Lady killer James T. Kirk retiring early? It’s only 11:40 and I’ve seen at least a dozen women looking you over.”

“I’m just not in the mood for company Bones.”

But he did want company. Spock’s face flashed in his mind.

Woah. Where did that come from?

The country doctor’s expression was all scrunched up in disbelief. His mouth hung open, unsure of what to say next. 

“Do I need to do an exam on you Jim?”

Kirk could feel a familiar weight on his shoulders. Spock’s gaze had found him. 

“No Bones. I’m tired. I’ll see you tomorrow,” he said, breaking free of the grasp and walking out into the cold night air.

Since it was the last night of shore leave, everyone wanted to live it up. But tomorrow they would all shuffle on to the Enterprise with pounding headaches – spending one last day docked before taking off.

The air was humid; it stuck in Jim’s lungs. Instinctively he looked up at the night sky, but no stars could be seen. They were obscured by thick storm clouds. He sighed, feeling claustrophobic in the confines of an atmosphere, instead of unbridled in space. 

Jim’s thoughts were erratic. 

He wanted to think of space or shore leave or the past few months, but his brain had tunnel vision, and apparently it was focused on a certain Vulcan.

He had begun to walk down the street, hoping that the familiar movement of a stroll would do him some good. It seemed hard to breathe and his hands were tingling. 

For a moment he paused, leaning against a building and bringing his hand up to pinch the bridge of his nose as he closed his eyes. 

But when he did, all he could see was Spock and Uhura. The way his elegant fingers spread out on her waist, the hooded look of lust that hung in his eyes before they began to analyze Jim’s intrusion. 

Then with a shake of vision, like an old fashioned video tape skipping, Uhura was gone, and it was just Spock, standing in a sea of dancing humans and aliens – staring at Jim with that same look of lust. 

The music twisted, slow and sultry, and lights danced off the sharp planes of the Vulcan's face. In that moment it was just he and Spock.

He shook his head.

This was nuts!

Jim began to walk again, trying to focus on the clack of his shoes as they hit the concrete, or the discreet whispers and boisterous laughs of the passerby’s. It was no use though. His thoughts, his daydreams broke through, and this time, he was walking towards Spock, until he stood a mere inch from his officer’s face.

Spock wrapped those nimble fingers around his body, low on his waist and leaned in to whisper in his ear. It felt so real that he could almost feel the heat of Spock’s breath on his right ear – it sent a very actual shudder down his spine.

With eyes open he could see the street, reality stretched out in front of him. But these daydreams were intoxicating and continued to run in his head like a movie. It felt so heady and realistic that he wanted more, but the content of said “daydreams” was shaking him.

He and Spock?

He gulped.

The play progressed and Jim turned his head into Spock’s. The familiar lips were whispering something in Vulcan to Jim and clearly the next move was to suck on Spock’s neck. 

This elicited a groan from the Vulcan, whose salty sweet skin was cool and rough. Jim nipped at flesh and wrapped his arms around his friend. Spock’s pulled his hips forward to meet his own. 

The thumping music drowned out the primal noise that escaped the cage of Jim’s mouth. And in the midst of the hoards of people he recklessly rocked his hips into Spock’s – where he found a bulge that definitely was not a phaser.

“Fuck Spock,” his daydream moaned. Met with the reply: “that is the plan captain.” 

The words reverberated in his body like a old fashioned bullet gone astray, hitting every vital organ. He felt himself falling.

Pleasure and concern battled in Jim’s reality-based consciousness. Those words…the idea of doing…that…with Spock made his blood bubble in anticipation.

He tried to get a hold of himself. 

In a moment of clarity he flipped open his communicator and ordered the on-duty tech to beam him aboard the Enterprise.

Hendrickson locked onto Jim’s phaser’s location, gathered the coordinates and in a breath the captain’s body dematerialized. 

His atoms re-arranged themselves upon the platform in the transporter room. “Welcome aboard captain,” Hendrickson offered. There was an implied ‘you’re back early,’ that went unsaid. Jim just smiled and nodded, stepping off the platform and walking out the white doors that slid open for him.

Once again he grabbed his communicator and this time, hailed Dr. McCoy. 

“McCoy here,” the device said, working hard to block out the background noise of the club. “Hey Bones,” Jim said as he walked towards his quarters. “I need you to tell me what sort of drink I had tonight.”

“Why? Are you okay? Where are you?”

“God Bones, I’m fine,” Jim huffed. “I’m on the Enterprise and I’m fine. Could you just answer me about the drink and hold off on the questions?”

He could almost hear the gears turning in Bones’ head. “Sure,” McCoy said. “What was the name of the drink?”

“I don’t know,” Jim answered, “but it was the first drink on the right side of the menu, and it was like…neon pink.”

An eruption of laughter emanated through the communicator. He was laughing so hard that Kirk had to turn down the volume a notch. “Bones!”

“Fine, I’m on it,” Bones giggled. You could hear the tears gathering in the corners of his eyes. “Give me a minute,” he put Jim on hold. 

Kirk was nearly to his quarters. The ship was practically empty – just a skeleton crew running maintenance, and most of them were asleep. 

In the silence offered by McCoy his mind flashed back to Spock. What it would be like if Spock were following him right now, so close to his back that they nearly touched as they walked down the sterile white corridors.

He was at his door. Finally. For real.

His head didn’t miss this opportunity to shove Spock on him. 

From behind the Vulcan pressed up against him, flattening his chest to the door that hadn’t yet been unlocked. 

“Spock…” his daydream croaked. “What are you doing? We’re in the open.”

“There’s no one here captain,” Spock’s voice returned, more gravel than logic.

His lips followed the line of Jim’s neck and he pressed his erection into Jim’s ass, his fingers dipping below the waistline of the dark denim jeans Kirk wore.

Jim tried to move but couldn’t. 

“Spock!” he hissed. “Stop it!” 

But the Vulcan knew that he was secretly catching a high from conducting such an illicit act out in the open. The door in front of him was freezing cold and Spock’s body was cooler than his. He shivered. Was it from the cold or the contact?

“Is that a direct order captain?” Spock asked, before nipping on Jim’s ear. 

“Yeah,” Jim said breathlessly, craning his head further towards Spock who was sliding his hands into Jim's pants.

His communicator blipped back to life. “Jim, you there?” Bones asked.

Kirk took a few deep breaths, turning around and making sure that he was really alone. 

He was.

Clearing his throat he answered “yes. What did you find out?”

Bones chuckled, “well, the drink you had is called Desiree. It’s the special of the month, offered only tonight. And it uh…well…” 

“Spit it out Bones!” 

“It brings forth your deepest desires.”

“What?!”

“I said, it brings out your desires! It’s banned on at least 20 planets, but it’s here! I wonder if I should try it? You know…for a medical perspective.”

“No,” Jim said, a little too quickly.

“Damn boy, what did it show you?”

Another flush was creeping over the captain and he unlocked his door, walking briskly inside. 

“Nothing important,” he lied. “Is there any way it can malfunction?”

“The barkeep says it’s 99% accurate, but I’ll bring some of it back to the ship to study it.”

Jim nodded to no one in particular. “Okay. Please advise the crew not to drink it. Kirk out.”

“Bu…”

He snapped the device closed before the doctor could get another word in.


	2. Chapter 2

Kirk was still standing in front of his door. Before he had the chance to enter his quarters a searing pain roared through his head. The sensation was so staggering that he dropped his communicator and clutched his skull. 

He tried to take long steady breaths and work through the pain, but it didn't seem to help. He could hear his own heartbeat between his ears, and to top things off, his stomach hurt now too. With one hand on his head and another grasping the fabric of his shirt, Kirk groaned and leaned into the wall.

"Sir…sir!" he heard a man say, but when he opened his clenched eyes all he saw was a blurry face and a blue uniform. That was all the ammunition his mind needed to summon up Spock. 

"Spock?" he whispered, but the words sounded deafening.

The man in front of him said something in reply, but Kirk couldn't make it out. The world around him was fading, and fast. 

In an instant, his feet gave way and the man in blue was catching him, guiding him gently to the floor. 

More crew members rushed over to the scene unfolding in the hallway. 

The science officer that held Kirk in his arms had such a look of panic on his face. He grabbed Kirk's communicator and urgently said something into the shiny metal object in his hand.

That was the last thing that Jim Kirk remembered.

After that he was in a room. It was dark, but there was just enough light to make out the shadows of the room. It was his room. But he couldn't remember how he got there.

Something was off, something was wrong. Panic flourished in his chest as he kicked off the tethering bedsheets and got out of bed. He felt such an urge to find someone else, to find Spock, to make sure that he was okay.

So he hurriedly stumbled toward the bathroom that separated his and Spock's room. As he stood in front of Spock's bathroom door, he hesitated. The floor felt cold beneath his feet and the small space was nearly pitch black. He wondered what was going on. It was extremely alarming that he had no recollection of…anything really. 

All he knew, all he could feel was this absurdly strong force that drove him to seek out his first officer. So he gathered up his courage and opened the door.

Spock's room was dark save for a dim light near the bed. 

"Spock…" Jim said tentatively as he walked into the room. "Spock?" his voice grew louder as his steps moved closer. But there was no reply, so he ordered the room's lights to 20%. Spock wasn't in his bed. Instead, the sheets were neatly folded, the bed was made.

A hot flash of intense loneliness flooded Jim's senses. Panic again reared it's ugly head. He had to find Spock, he had to have Spock. It was like a part of him was missing, as if Spock were a limb that was torn away.

He went to the door and out into the hall, but it was so dark. The corridor seemed to stretch out before Kirk, like every step he took was really a hundred steps. Spock was all he could think about, Spock was who he needed to find.

It felt like he was lost in a maze of hallways for a very long time. His body was so completely exhausted that it could no longer even produce anxiety. Moisture gathered at his eyes and threatened to fall as he decided to give up. 

His feet were so sore, there wasn't a crew member to be seen anywhere, and it felt like he'd been walking for a day or two. Resigning himself to his fate spent in this hallway of eternity, he leaned against a corner. Liquid streamed down his face. He didn't know what he was more scared of, spending forever in this corridor, or never seeing Spock again.

He hung his head, chin dipping into his chest.

And then, he heard a noise. 

Kirk snapped his head up and looked down the adjacent hall. A door whooshed open and emerging from it were Spock and Uhura. 

Spock looked at Nyota with warmth and love (well, with as much expression as a Vulcan was permitted), and she beamed. Her arms wrapped around his neck and he brought his hands to her hips. "I love you Spock," she said with a wide grin. He mirrored her smile.

It almost looked unnatural on his face. He seemed so…happy. 

They kissed. It started off light but then Spock deepened the kiss. His hands clutched at her body and his lips devoured hers.

Kirk's mouth hung open. His eyebrows were angrily knitted together. He had found Spock, but it just felt like he lost him all over again.

The despair, the loneliness, the loss - it shook him. Tears ran down his face as his body shook. His very soul vibrated and it seemed to take reality with it. The walls of the ship shook, the scene in front of him broke up. After a minute of tumult, reality seemed to recover and zip itself back together. 

This time, Uhura was gone. Spock stood solitary in the hall with a look of lust that lingered from his interaction with Uhura. Then the gaze quickly shifted to intrigue…and perhaps annoyance at being looked in on?

Kirk didn't move his feet, but he was suddenly standing right in front of Spock. 

The Vulcan seemed angry. He didn't have to say a word, it was an unspoken command, he just turned and Kirk followed him. They stepped inside of a door and were back inside the club. They could see the dance floor, but they weren't on it. No, they had walked past it, and were in a back room. 

The walls were a rich red, the room smelled of smoke, music could be heard pulsing from the dance floor.

Spock stared at him. "Captain, may I ask what is going on with you?"

Jim gulped. He didn't even know the answer to that one.

"Why were you staring at me and Nyota with jealousy?" 

Jim's face flushed a shade that matched the room.

"Why, when I looked at you did you have lust in your eyes?"

Kirk's mouth was parted, but he had no explanation, so he let Spock keep interrogating him.

The Vulcan was annoyed at the silence, he took a few steps toward Jim.

"What right do you have to interfere with my happiness? Is it because you can not find happiness of your own? Do you wish to destroy my relationship so that I am devoted solely to you? Exactly how selfish are you Captain?"

Jim shook his head, tears again knocked behind his burning eyes.

"You do not deserve me Captain," Spock said coldly, his eyes a vacant darkness. "Not to mention we are both males," the science officer said, now beginning to circle Jim like a vulture. "I was unaware that you are gay. How do you know that I am? Or that even if I am, I will return your affections? Perhaps your advances will destroy our friendship completely. Is that what you want?"

The words sent a chill straight to Jim's bones. "No…Spock…I never meant…I mean…where are you getting all of this? I…"

"You what?" Spock said, stopping right in front of Kirk, his face so close that Jim could feel the other man's breath. "You do not desire me?"

Jim prepared to answer, but the searing pain in his head was back. He whined and snapped his eyelids shut in agony. 

When the pain finally retreated and he opened his eyes, they were in Jim's quarters aboard the Enterprise. 

Kirk felt dizzy and disoriented so he focused on Spock's harsh angular features that were still inches from his face. 

He was tired of being talked to so harshly, especially when he was the one in charge. Anger bubbled up inside his throat upon this realization, and with a bold hand he gripped the back of Spock's neck. "Damn straight I desire you," he growled. "It's a distraction, it's a nuisance, it's something I've been fighting off since the moment we met," he nearly screamed. "You think I want this? You think I want to feel this way?"

His grip on Spock's neck tightened. "I can't handle it Spock, I can't handle my past, I can't face myself - ever since I died and came back, I don't know who I am or what I want, but I know what I need."

"What do you need Captain?" Spock asked in a rich gravelly voice that shot straight to Jim's groin.

"I need you goddammit," he answered, finishing his tirade and crashing his lips down on Spock's. 

Spock did not return the kiss which only further infuriated the captain. So Jim pushed Spock backwards, on to the bed. "I said I want you Spock," Kirk said breathlessly, "either kiss me back or push me away, but don't do nothing."

He straddled his science officer, already achingly hard, roughly tugging on the silky black hair that his hands met. He brought his forehead to Spock's and whispered to his best friend, "I need you Spock…I love you," his voice broke. 

Achingly, tenderly, he kissed Spock again. He poured everything he had into that kiss, all of his fear, loneliness, desperation, insecurity, love, lust, and jealousy. He was no telepath, but he screamed his emotions at Spock through that kiss.

He wondered if Spock would kiss him back, but before he had the chance to find out, the room shook, and when it stopped, he was standing in the middle of his room - alone. 

Every image he had of Spock stored away in his mind came bursting forth. Every daydream that he'd ever had involving Spock played like a recording. All of the emotions and thoughts that he had tried to push down, suddenly bubbled up and spilled over. 

The scene in front of him was ever shifting, forever changing, and it only made his head ache worse. He balled his hands into fists and brought them to his head, he fell to his knees, rocking back and forth and moaning in pain. 

The room stopped. Stood still. He opened his eyes. He was on the ground. He was in the radiation chamber, inside of the nightmare that haunted him night after night.

Spock was on the other side of the glass. His face was uncharacteristically twisted up with emotion.

"Spock…I have to tell you why I couldn't let you die," he croaked.

The Vulcan remained quiet, patiently waiting for Kirk to finish his thought.

"I couldn't let you die…because I love you."

Kirk's eyelids felt so heavy, his body was collapsing beneath exhaustion and radiation. He closed his tired eyes and took a final breath.

"Jim, JIM!" Bones shouted. 

Kirk opened his eyes and was greeted with the sight of med bay. Was this it? Was he back in reality?

Bones and Spock stood over him. McCoy had a look of elation that Jim was finally conscious and Spock…well…Spock looked…unreadable. His hand hovered near Jim's face, but no longer touched the meld points. 

A dawning realization hit Jim like a ton of bricks and his blood ran cold. "Bones…what happened?" 

"Well, you drank that Desiree shit," he answered bringing a tricorder up to Jim's head, "and you had some horrendous adverse reaction to it. You were out for two solid days and your vitals were beginning to slip, so Spock did his Vulcan voodoo on you and brought you back."

"Vulcan voodoo?" Jim squeaked, confused.

"A mind meld captain," Spock corrected the doctor's colorful speech.

The monitor on the wall beeped as it registered Jim's ever fastening heart beat and rising blood pressure. Shame washed over him and his gaze quickly evaded Spock's. 

"Look Spock, I really appreciate what you did, but you should go, Jim needs to rest," Bones said, entering some data into the PADD in his hands. Spock nodded silently and slipped from the room silently. 

"Glad you're back Jim, you scared the shit out of us, we haven't even left the docking station yet."

Jim stared up at the ceiling.

"Hey, you listening to me?"

"Yeah, yeah, I am," Jim lied. His face was white as the sheets that kept his body warm, his palms were cold and sweaty. He tiled his head towards Bones who looked at him with some concern.

"You okay Jim?"

"Yeah," Jim lied, his eyes looking past the doctor as he wondered what Spock had seen within his mind.


End file.
